I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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