When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
