Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
