Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
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My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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