Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
