there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
