is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
