My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
