Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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