and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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