There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
