don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
