Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
