I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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