We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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