he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
