Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
