dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
