I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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