This girl is more easily done than said...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
