He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dick very happy bro
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize