i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
