Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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