Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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