Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
