8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
