i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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