I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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