Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
