how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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