She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
