you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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