I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
