Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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