I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
