Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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