That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
