the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
