Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
