The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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