I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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