You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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