I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
