if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
