Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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