I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
