Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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