Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
