he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
