Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
