Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
