I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
farters have to be the big spoon...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
