you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
