I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
