my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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