I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
