This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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