Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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