Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
