Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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