I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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