Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
