omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My feet surprised me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
