She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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