forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
