You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
