first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
