If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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