Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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